What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:49
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It was going to be , some day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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All the time i was locked up.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Put me off passion for life!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
We were not on the streets..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My family never makes their pension either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I said to her
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My life is so biszare .
I don,t even have a pension.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.